3 Sep 2015

The Start of Something New

As my girl hadn't started school, I always found summer holidays an inconvenience. Six weeks that I had to find alternative childcare when her preschool was closed, yes the roads were emptier on my journey to work but anywhere we went would be clogged with other people's children.

Now my girl is on the cusp of starting school, excitement building and uniforms bought. Labels being sewn into too big jumpers and coaxing her into trying on her new shiny shoes (that she'll scuff probably within the first few hours). I get the whole 6 weeks thing, I really get it.

It's not about her adjusting to a new phase, a new school year and new beginnings. It's for me, the emotional parent, the woman who will sob on her first day (even writing that has made me cry!). My husband is taking the day off on her first day and although he is keen  to see her off on her first momentous day, he's made it clear to colleagues and me. He is taking the day off because he knows she'll be ok but well me, that'll be a different story. He pitched it as "my wife will be all sorts of crazy that day so I'll need to support her, but her coffee and pass her tissues".

I'd like to pretend that he is exaggerating (he isn't). So this summer holiday season has been all about preparing me, giving my girl extra squeezes and crisps with lunch and looking at the clock thinking 'soon I won't know what she'll be up to at quarter past one in the afternoon!'

Because it's the not knowing what my girl is up to for six hours a day and when I try and wheedle out information about her day and who she played with, all I'll get is 'I can't remember!'

Oh and that it signifies that she's growing up! No longer a preschooler but a fully fledged big little girl who can't wait to grow up.

I'm trying to jam my brain full of snugly afternoon cuddles and our little three amigos days. Yes I'll still get weekends but it's a different dynamic and a tired girl from all the frenzied activity of the week. I'm hoping she will have a blast without me and it won't bother her at all, meanwhile I'll do my swan impression - all calm exterior but turmoil beneath.
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28 Aug 2015

The Motherhood Manual

The nuts and bolts of motherhood are strange little things. A once tight coiled spring of togetherness is starting to unwind, not that you'd notice and some days it's tighter than others but sometimes it loses a little bit of tension. My first born can happily leave my side and venture off without so much as a look behind to see if I'm still there. It smarts occasionally and a different coil tightens but it's natural, it's what I'm doing it all for. She needs to be free.


A bolt of love that I managed to screw so tightly in the beginning when I was all she needed is slackened with age. Again it's not visibly to the naked eye but there is a slight wobble where once it held fast. It's allowing other bolts to take some of the pressure and share the loads. It's understandable as there is so much love surrounding it, that it's only fair. 

A washer of jealousy spins ever so slightly when I'm not the first to be noticed, when she prefers the glint of her daddy's love. I try hard to stop it showing  and it's a very minor part but if over looked it can unhinge another seemingly strong area. It's something I need to protect, just as unassumingly as possible.

The thread of tiredness sometimes slips as it gets wound and over tightened. Some days it feels the same one gets pushed to its limits only for it, the next day, to slide effortlessly and grip on all the right ideas. Those moments I live for and know I'm doing the right things.

But I've got to remember, I'm building a strong structure, I have built a future of brightness and I'll continue to work on the areas that need it. So far so good, I've followed the instructions and created a good foundation, now just got to make sure she's happy to stand alone every now and again.

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