7 Oct 2015

I sit on the stairs...

I'm sat in the dark outside my babies rooms (it's a small hallway and I can touch both their doors if I wanted). I wait for my eldest to go to sleep, she more often than not requests for me to sit here. It used to bother me but now I don't mind as it gives my brain some space and quiet time whilst the smells of dinner waft up the stairs.

I can often hear a rustle or sigh from one or both of them and I thank my lucky stars that they are beautiful and mostly happy little souls. My next thought is 'please don't wake up, thank the Lord they are asleep'

I then often lean my head back against the cold, hard wall and wonder how on earth I got here! A mother of two energetic and willful children, a woman who is a shadow of her former self. Someone reduced to tears most days by the little ankle biters and who bitterly snipes at her husband when he's 15 minutes late home. 

He doesn't understand how "oh I lost track of time" rankles me, I'm now a woman who cannot be late, cannot loose track of anything. My life is so carefully timed and mapped out, I need to get where I need to be and I need not to be late. Two little lives hinge on me keeping it all together and keeping the momentum going. I bounce from having the.best.day.ever!!! To having a waking nightmare within seconds and I feel ashamed and emotional that I'm not enjoying every second with them. You get force fed by those who've trodden the path before you that 'these are the best days, you'll miss it when they grow up' but the here and now can be incredibly difficult and surely these people are telling you in hindsight and it's something they missed along the way too.

I truly love being their mother and can take the sacrifices I've made to make sure they are cared for. But I sometimes miss me, I miss going out with my husband, I miss being casual and lighthearted, I miss doing exactly what I want and when I want! Maybe that woman will return but I suspect I've changed and will never be the fun loving woman again.

For now, I'll resist falling asleep, lift my head up and plod on, there's dinner to be served and life to be living. I'll dig out my Yesmum cards and remember 'I'm doing the best I can'

*yesmum cards are the best for motivation. This isn't sponsored, please check them out as I think they are brilliant.

5 Oct 2015

A mother knows...

It's important to find your favourite bear when you are ready to sleep (even if it means turning the house apart to find it).

When you cry about making sure I hold the balloon tightly enough so it doesn't fly away, I know it's not really about the balloon at all.

How you keep looking at me to reassure yourself when you get nervous.

That a certain smile and putting your hand over your mouth means you are lying to me.

When you run away but keeping looking over your shoulder laughing to me means you just want to be caught.

That sitting on me or as close as you can is a sign that you need me to take notice and make a fuss of you.

When you wipe your mucky nose on my sleeve that its done with love and you feel at your most comfortable with me.

When something crashes down (& you've been told not to touch it) you look to me for reassurance and the look in your eyes says 'oops sorry!'

There is nothing better than a mummy cuddle sometimes, no one else will do.

The first word from your lips in the middle of the night is always and will always be "mummy".

No-one knows exactly how you like your bread not touching your sauce but mum.

You don't have to explain what hurt when you fell over, you know you'll be scooped up and made a fuss of regardless.

There is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child, it cannot be explained, quantified or judged. I will always love you more than you know and forever I will be your biggest champion.

She would forgive her child regardless...

Being selfless is the least I can do from my babies, you want anything and I will at the very least, try to make it happen.

Her children are her biggest accomplishment ever and every day she counts her blessings because you made a half life become whole.

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