19 Jan 2017

He is growing up...How life looks at Two and a half

I took Bubba to a soft play party and cub came along too, it was the first time ever that my boy went it along. I spent some of my time walking the length of the soft play checking on him, part of it perched on a seat scanning the equipment to see where he was and part of the time telling his sister off for leaving him and running away from him. All he wanted to do was follow her!

I felt a rush of pride followed by an odd sense of impending doom, it meant I could go drink a cup of coffee but it also meant that I was leaving my two to look after themselves in the crazyness that is soft play. I love my kids but I'm not so keen on other peoples kids, what if one of them pushed my boy over or his sister went off and left him to bang his head. I know these are extreme reactions as most parents wander off without a backwards glance and don't seem to look up from their phones until the session has finished (I don't much like parents like that either).

It's so strange to let him go and do things now, I don't want to be one of those helicopter mums who hover over their child, he is more than capable of doing things himself. He is still a little fearless but I'm told that's very much a boy trait and plus he's got his fathers sense of adventure - lick a battery just to see what may happen!

I wanted to get down on paper all the changes, I know they don't seem much when you've got older kids but when you are in the thick of it you think your child is a genius...so here goes his greatest achievements so far.

Well first up and by far the best is his disregard of the dummy, he still has it at night time but during the day we no longer use a dummy. It was far easier than his sister who had to be bribed until she gave it up, he sort of forgot about it almost straight away - even to the point I was still saying 'do you want your dummy?' before realised I was becoming a pusher!

He gave up his nighttime bottle pretty much the same way...without looking back and I shed a little tear as I threw the last of the teats in the bin. He just outgrew them, really quickly and quietly! No screaming but just an acceptance of that's not how things are done anymore.

He also gave up vegetables in much the same way, which is a less helpful development, now if he sees vegetables he will say yuck and have an extreme reaction as if I'm trying to poison him!

Getting undressed is his new trick and hes fairly good at taking socks off and trousers and putting one arm and his head in a t-shirt before giving up and screaming at me to help. But he has a willingness to try and that is all that matters at the moment. I know of some mums who still dressed their 5yr old son as he was so slow at getting himself dressed! I don't want to be that mum.

We are at that danger stage where daytime naps are becoming a thing of the past yet he still cannot function without one. I can only give him 10 minutes maximum before it totally disrupts bedtime so now he usually crashes as we go on the school run to pick up his sister and this is his usual look.

His language is coming along nicely (copies his chatterbox sister on that front) and his favourite thing to do is chant a poo song, along the lines of "mummy's head is a poo poo" before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Funny at home but not so much as we are in the middle of tesco or worse....in the quiet doctors surgery!

Jumping off things is his other favourite thing to do and I loose some of my nerves every time he does it, if its a dangerous jump he will just scrunch his eyes closed and go for it with full gusto. As I said earlier...no fear! But I love him for giving it a go no matter what.

We are now encounter the most terrible tantrums and most are borne out of hunger as far as I can tell, also food is the only thing he can be persuaded with. He has a very very stubborn streak that runs deep (apparently that's from me...but I don't know what they are talking about!!!) and so has the most ear splitting outbursts if he doesn't get his own way or hasn't eaten recently!

But most of all, he is turning into such a little clown and he knows he is funny and plays to his crowd regularly. He is also very loving and such a little mummy's boy (which I love) yet very boisterous and has a 'have a go' attitude which has seen him get stuck down the back of the sofa but all in all he is very much a typical boy as far as I can tell. Wouldn't change him for the world.


17 Jan 2017

When you want another baby....

Walking out of the school playground this morning, I heard another mum telling her mummy friends that she was having another baby in June. They all congratulated her as her toddler ran around her legs, after dropping off her daughter who is the same age as mine and it got me thinking. Why couldn't I have another baby, her two are the same age as my two so if she can manage why can't I? I'm jealous as I want another baby but I don't even think it's the baby I want, I realised that my little boy is going to be going to school nursery in September, my five-year-old will soon be a six-year-old sassy as ever and where does that leave me?

I really don't want sleepless nights -  we get enough of those already, I don't need the extra washing and tidying and mess but I feel lost! It's more the thought of who is going to want to hold my hand, who is going to need me to cuddle them, who is going to coo over my little baby at the shops? No one, the most I get now is raised eyebrows from other mother shoppers and rye smiles and sometimes even the comment "oh I remember that age, tiring but such fun". My boy is at a great age and I love my kids and I love everything they do but they are growing up fast and what do I do once they are grown-up?

My maternal instinct is strong right now and  I just want to cuddle someone little, who needs me. Now I don't feel I'm needed and it's really challenging my identity, obviously I know they do still need me but its changing. Sometimes slowly, for instance I have realised Bubba no longer goes straight to sit on my lap but will sit on her own instead. Cub has started getting himself undressed and dressed again which is really great but leaves me wondering what my on going role is.

I don't think I could have any more children I don't think I can cope and my family doesn't either. They've made this very clear and so it makes me jealous that other mothers do you feel able to have more children and do things, what's wrong with me, why can't I cope and they can? How is their life a better match to increase whereas mine isn't. The worst bit for me is that for years I've wanted my own job and to go out to work, I didn't mind not doing all the school drop offs and pick ups but since bubba got picked on I've wanted to be there all the time. Luckily we've been able to make that happen and my work hours have changed to fit it in but now they don't need me there all the time I feel like I want to be!

I cry now when I think of it but I really don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again, the last time was dicey enough for us and it nearly all went a bit wrong. I guess I need to grieve and then move on, I do want my own life back but it's trying to find out where I fit into that life. These two cuties are probably more than enough for me....

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