9 Mar 2012

Emotions...all over the place

Sometimes when I sit and take stock it seems the world has moved on its axis once Bubba arrived in our lives. I spend most of my time worrying (well I was always at Olympic standard for worry) but now I WORRY! About the child, my life, am I being a good enough mother, is the sky still blue, what would I do without my own mum, do I need to buy more frozen peas (bubba is addicted to peas and would, I suspect, eat them for every meal). See my worry has no bounds.

I also feel immense love for everything and everyone, I am more forgiving of others now that Bubba is here but less forgiving of myself. I love that being a mum is the most terrifying and gratifying experience all in one go (although I'd be hard pushed to admit this at 4am when she is babbling away in her cot and all I want to do is sleep!). I have an overwhelming love for Hubby, when I watch the two of them together I almost feel I could burst (but wouldn't as I'd probably have to clear up the mess!!)

Gratitude comes next, I'm grateful the sky is blue and the birds sing, grateful I have love and can return it in bundles to my family. Grateful I have experienced childbirth (yes really) and can say I did it and grateful for the gift of having a wonderful little daughter. Glad we can giggle together and I can be as silly as I want and she won't tell anyone (well not any time soon).

Sorrow sits just behind me sometimes, gently tapping on my shoulder. I'm sorry some of the most important people in my world never got to meet or watch Bubba grow into the independent little girl she is fast becoming. I know that her grandads will be the inspiration that my grandads both were, I know her uncle will be the enigmatic figure in her life that my uncle was and more than anything I know somewhere, somehow they are watching all this unfold.

Laughter is big in our world now, ok before I used to laugh but not like now. My main focus seems to be doing something everyday to make the little person giggle till she gets hiccups (just like her daddy does). I didn't realise how much it helps my soul too...a laugh or watching someone else laugh at something I've done is really the best tonic. The reverse of this is that I spend the other part of my time doing things to avoid tears from Bubba, crying is obviously unavoidable at times but I want to reduce this to make sure she remembers childhood as the fun time as I did.

I realise I'm still very hormonal and can just as easily cry as laugh these days so sorry if this outburst is a little too soppy for you (I promise I'll revert back to normal posts) but as she is coming up for her first birthday I realise how far we have all traveled.
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