15 May 2012

Identity Lost

I was wondering the other day what happens to your identity when you become a mother. I find that I no longer matter and other women no longer really matter on my radar - it's harder to make friends as I'm always having one eye on the small child usually swinging from my trouser leg, whilst trying to find a tissue in my bag because I've noticed she has a runny nose (which will soon get wiped on the aforementioned trouser leg) whilst trying to keep track of a conversation. 

It's also now about finding out the most information in the shortest, stunted conversation possible. I need to compare Bubba to others (e.g. If I see them walking, I want to know the age and when they started so I can see how long I have left before Bub gets moving). It doesn't really work so well and there seems no depth to conversation - you don't really connect because we are all worrying about our own baggage!

For instance a recent exchange at one of Bubba's baby ballet classes with a girl I've seen around at other classes. She looks cool and my type of person, similar age and dress sense...she looks like she'd be fairly interesting to get to know.

Cool girl: Do you go baby sensory anymore? (her child has wandered over to watch me struggle, so she followed).
Me: (whilst trying to stop Bubba crawling off as I put her coat on) Er No.

Me: (looking at CG's little girl) How old is your little one now?
CG: 16 months (looking over her shoulder as toddler has er...toddled off).

Me: When did she start walking? (all the while watching Bubba who has decided to headbutt the play tunnel)
CG: 14 months, she just got up and walked, trouble is she now wants to run (said as she moves off into the room after child who is running the other direction).

End of conversation...I don't even know the girls name or anything about her but I know more about her little girl. It's this awkward, stunted conversation stuff I'm not very good at, it takes me a while to get to know people and warm up and I need a bit more depth to cling onto (small talk is a bit wasted on me). My identity doesn't matter to this other woman at the moment and I come away thinking 'I wonder what she thought of me!'



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