17 Mar 2013

Unpredictable Sleep - How it feels

I wake with a start and look at the clock, it's dark and I can just about make out the time but I'm slightly dazed. Hubby is still beside me as I let out a sigh, he turns and speaks into the darkness "are you awake?" Before I have time to answer, I hear the noise again...a drawn out "Maammaaa" it's low but clearly distinguishable.

My heart thumps loudly and lurches into my throat, I swing my legs off the edge of the bed and the cold hits them and I shiver. The crying and calling is getting louder as Bubba wakes more and becomes more determined, I really don't want to get up. It's almost automatic and the louder the noise the more I'm drawn from my bed, it feels like a thin thread pulling at my heart, pulling me up to sitting. I sigh again, I feel beaten up in the way that only lack of sleep on a nightly basis can do to you. I'm tearful and scared during the day that she won't sleep through the night ever again, how can my good sleeper turn so bad? It feels never ending and the abrupt wake ups sound louder and more menacing in the dark. It's not like the newborn stage where sheer exhaustion and adrenaline get you through, it's different because I know what a full nights sleep feels like and how I feel afterwards.
I swing my body so I'm sitting up, trying to determine what sort of cry it is, will she go back to sleep, how can I help her? I'm tired, I don't want to get up and by going into her room it's like disturbing a hornets nest, once I'm there she won't go back down to sleep willingly and will cry louder once I leave. But if I don't go then she may not sleep either and she may just need me to be there for her, it's hard to sort it out in my head at this time in the morning. Just as I start to get up, hubby puts his arm out and just says "wait, she'll settle" we tend to snipe at each other more in these early wake ups than at any other time. Sometimes it can turn into a small argument as we try and negotiate on the appropriate approach and just as quickly as it started, Bubba abruptly stops yelling and is quiet. I then sit there panicking that something is wrong and again wrestle with my conscience as to whether I'm doing the right thing. I slump back into bed and try to sleep myself, although I feel anxious that she'll wake again as soon as I start to drop off to sleep.

I think it's the whole teething process again as the last four teeth try to push themselves out but who knows really, it could be her age, the future or just a fluke. Hubby tells me not to over analyse it and I try not too but can't help it, I don't like the unpredictable nature of her sleep patterns.
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