20 Apr 2013

How it feels - Waiting to meet baby

Flash back 25.02.2011
Last night out...a very pregnant me

This is the most grown up thing I've ever done, yet I feel more like a needy child than ever, it's like staring down the barrel of a gun! There is no escape now, not that I want there to be but still the choice isn't mine.

I'm told the wriggling and the sudden, sometimes painful, lunges at my inside is my baby. Our baby, created by us, for us and unable to make it without my help. Not much pressure there then! I feel so helpless and silly, so many women, more than I can contemplate have trodden this path before me. Did they have this mixture of fear and awe wave over them? My one desire is that I birth this baby well and give it the best possible start in life. I want to protect this unknown being with every ounce of my body and mind. Yet it's still an enigma that doesn't really exist yet.

How will it change me, change us? I often get the urge to go back to a time before we made this decision. I want to apologise to my husband, who can only watch on as my body and mind changes drastically and with unstoppable speed. We both know that I'll never be the woman I was before, I'm already different, my body given over to take care of another and now this will never change.

I will forever look over my shoulder and look inside my heart and find it inexplicably linked to another. I wish I was braver and able to see the bigger picture but I'm scared I won't do things right. One week away from when I'm told my baby is 'due', I want to hide away and cry for all the things that will change. Yet just as suddenly I want to meet this little person and marvel at how they got the best bits of two people who love each other. I know this journey will be fun, exhausting, scary and painful as we all grow up and grow together.

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