16 Apr 2013

Nobody told me...

I was sitting in Sainsbury's cafe today with Bubba and suddenly I must of almost thrown my full cup of coffee (I seriously don't know what I did) and it went everywhere, all over the booth we were sat at, over the shopping, over Bubba and the new spiderman colouring book I'd got for her.

After I'd flagged down one of the cashiers and they sent for the cleaner (we had to move tables, that's how epic my spill was), I cried. Really cried and I just couldn't stop, the lovely cleaner lady who came to clear the table asked if I was ok and I said yes it was just one of those days. I couldn't tell her why I was really crying, crying for my old life, wondering how I'd got here. The worst thing is that Bubba was being such a good girl, a little pickle but easy going which hasn't been the case recently.

Nobody ever told me that I'd feel like this, when pregnant you get told how your life will change beyond measure, you will never have time to yourself again but they don't say that you will no longer recognise yourself. I sometimes mourn my old life, I would never be without Bubba and if I have the choice to go somewhere alone or take her (not that I often get that choice), I will always take her, If I don't it feels like a part of me is missing - like someone who chopped my arm off.

But I mourn the girl I used to be, the carefree woman who would accept a glass of wine and have a chat in the pub without worrying about the time. Now I get anxious about going out, I don't like showing too much flesh when I do (what's that all about), I question my choices all the time and seem to apologise to everyone daily 'sorry we got in your way' 'oops, sorry but can you just hold on whilst I sort Bubba out'...sorry, sorry, sorry. I came to motherhood later (36) and so I had plenty of time doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted. We'd eat out a lot, holiday in lovely places and generally enjoy ourselves, when I got pregnant there wasn't anything I wished I'd done so I'm not sure why I feel like this.

I'm no longer the confident woman that I should be, I miss working in London (something I never thought I'd say) and I'm most content when I've got a load of washing drying in the sunshine outside (again, what's that all about). I am the servant to a two year old, I have to bow to her superiority and will most of the time and negotiate on all things. I used to spend my money how I liked and didn't think twice about buying clothes I liked, now I wonder if I really need new things, can I afford them and on top of that my body has changed beyond recognition. Nobody told me the baby classes we attend are like school all over again, gaggles of women sit together and gossip, I sit wondering how they all became friends, why no-one talks to me and knowing I'm not in the 'in crowd'. I do talk to a few of the woman fleetingly but that's it.I'm not looking forward to the school gates situation but I've got a while to worry about that.

Nobody told me that I'd disappear and be replaced by 'mummy' and as yet I'm not sure how I become me again. This has been a bit of a brain dump, so sorry for that, sometimes you just have to let it out.
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