14 May 2013

How it feels - When she is unwell

I strain my ear, then signal hubby to mute the TV. A muffled snuffled sound through the monitor, a little cry and unsettled sounds. You went to bed unwell, this has been brewing for days what with your short patience and tears ready to flow at a moments notice. This is not my usual easy going and cheeky girl, before bed you clung to me trying to seek out some final moments of comfort. You are poorly and I know tonight could be a long night, filled with hours of cold darkness where I lay next to your cot on the floor of your room.

I feel the most useless at this time, so utterly out of my depth. I second guess my decisions and fumble around trying to get them thermometer to work in the dark as you cry out for me to ease your pain. These dark hours are the toughest as a mother, I want to take away any pain you have, erase it and help you sleep. All I can offer is cuddles and words, staying by your side because only mummy will do.

I'm still, in the dark, remembering when you were a newborn, how you need me now and won't push me off as your toddler tendencies usually warrant. You reach out just to make sure I'm still there, getting upset if I even so much as move off my now numb legs that are curled beneath me. My heart is aching to scoop you up and take away the hurt, it aches more when I realise this wont be the last time you need me like this. In my mind I'm already making plans on how tomorrow will be a better day for us both, I know I won't go to work or leave you for one moment because you need me.

I hadn't thought about illness before you arrived and how it can disrupt so much and how I can't do anything to help. Your body is working hard to get rid of the nasty bug and its so unfair that someone so small has to suffer. In this moment I would do anything to make you better but I can't, instead I stroke your arm tenderly and try and sooth you as best I can.

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