23 Jun 2013

One Night

I sometimes mentally sigh when hubby phones or texts to say he won't make Bubba's bedtime (again). I wonder how and why he didn't move heaven and earth to make sure he saw his baby one more time before her wonderful slumber took over. I know deep down that he doesn't do it on purpose and work takes over and of course he would love to see her before bed (although not always possible).

Those arms that grasp tightly, the soft warm body slowly relaxing, I would give anything for that right now but usually (instead of thinking how lucky I am) I get grumpy to be doing it alone (again).

As I stand on a busy train, after narrowly missing the direct train by a minute, I feel utterly crushed. There is a trickle of sweat running down the small of my back, my legs are shaking from the effort I put in to trying to get there on time. I'm barely holding back the tears and my lip wobbles, I know I'm lucky that I get to witness bedtime every other night but I feel so unlucky tonight.

It doesn't help that hubby told me that Bubba cried for "mummy" for 20 minutes last night before finally going to bed. My mummy guilt is in overdrive. There is a little girl in a pram with her daddy on the train (about the same age as Bubba) she is singing "I can like a bear, I can like a bear..." over and over and over. That's the sort of thing my baby does, oh how I miss her.
  I'll have to console myself with going in and stroking her soft curly hair as she sleeps, breathing in her sweet soft scent and listening to her stuffy breath and snores. It's only one night and tomorrow is a new day. It's just one night.

** This was written last night on the way home from Britmums Live, I got home 20 minutes after bedtime and semi woke up my baby for a cuddle. It was the best ever cuddle. I then left the room and cried buckets...it was an emotional weekend which was finished nicely by cuddles with my girl.

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