10 Sept 2013

Outside your door

This is my fourth night this week sitting in the dark waiting for my baby to fall asleep. My wonderful, put her down awake and drowsy, girl has disappeared to be replaced by a wailing banshee who won't listen to reason.

It's been building up over the last few months where in our old house I was directed to sit outside her door or at the bottom of the stairs whilst she would call out at intervals to make sure I was still there. This has escalated in the last week or so (in the new house) to me not being able to leave her room. We moved three weeks ago and at first she was fine as long as she knew I was at the bottom of the stairs.

Hubby and I were at a loss as to why this regression has happened. Could it be the move? But this started a month before the move when nothing was happening for her to notice. Could it be the fact I'm three months pregnant? But again, when her sleep issues arose there wasn't anything distinguishable about what was happening. Perhaps it's just her age and becoming aware of what she's scared of and that it's dark and mummy doesn't go to bed at the same time.

Whatever it is, it's caught us unawares and was shocking at first. The low point was Sunday night where she just wanted me sat by her bed but also wanted constant reassurance which helped a very tired child evade sleep for even longer. A nauseas and exhausted me was sat in tears for over an hour on my child's floor as she cried her little eyes out to the point of almost vomiting. I had tried leaving the room for a few minutes at a time and then going back in to comfort her. It wasn't working for either of us as my pregnancy hormones sent my emotions into free fall. So we've gone back to gradual withdrawal and now night four I've made it to the door and my back to her (critically with the door open so some light is coming in the room). So perhaps it is just an over active mind.

She hasn't called out for me as much tonight whilst I was in the room and she was asleep in 20 minutes. I have and will continue to dread bedtime (I went a bit scatty over bedtime when she was newborn and I was close to the edge about it all). I can feel the feelings creeping back but I'm determined to be positive and do this on my terms. Tomorrow I hope to make it to sitting outside her door.

Besides it was a joy that first night to watch her eyes become heavy and her body relax whilst I held her hand. My precious baby won't be scared or over active forever and I'll get just as upset when she no longer needs reassurance that I'm there. It's a stage/phase/passing moment in time that I'll probably be unable to recall in years to come and that's what I should focus on.

But those 5am starts aren't so much fun on my weary pregnant body at the moment. I do hope she grows out of them soon and by then I'll have a newborn to fill the 'keeping me awake' gap!

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