16 Oct 2013

Bump update: is this normal

I'm 15 weeks 3 days pregnant (only know that because I just worked it out). I'm freaking out about everything and nothing!

It's the inbetween stage, I have a small bump although arguably it often just looks like I'm a bit fat! I'm not feeling as sick, only when I am hungry now (which is all the time). Nothing seems to be changing and I'm worried. 

I feel like crying at the slightest thing, I want to cry that I'm pregnant and how unbelievably fantastic that is and I then want to cry because OMG I'M PREGNANT! and will get bigger, have to give birth and also share my heart even more. I'll have no time and no sleep and another person wanting my time. Then I want to cry because I can't wait to hold another of my babies and smell that baby smell and love another small person. It drives me mad, poor hubby just looks bewildered most of the time or just agrees with me.

Yesterday was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I wept buckets looking on Instagram at all the candle pictures (people lit a candle at 7pm in remembrance with a tag #waveoflight). All those who had a loss or knew of someone's loss, it's staggering how common and sad it is.

I worry that something will go wrong or that it already has gone wrong. The whole birth bit scares me, not for the pain but because it's such a delicate thing this giving life business that I might get it wrong, my baby might suffer or I could die and leave my wonderful family! I'm in a bit of a pit of anxiety and worry. At the moment I realise there is nothing I can do about it all but the panic is there! I'm not due to see my midwife for a week or so and then wait another month until our 20 week scan. It all seems so far away but equally no time at all! I'm a ball of contradictions!!
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