10 Apr 2014

Feeling like I've failed

I don't want to moan or go all woe is me because believe me, I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have what I have and lucky to be in the position of having got to this point.

It's just at the moment things are hard to cope with. I thought pregnancy and labour would be different this time. But it seems I'm not a woman who labours quickly or easily! So far my long and laborious build up to my baby's arrival makes me look and feel like a diva. I feel like a failure and an attention seeker, it's rubbish. Friends, family and neighbours ask what's going on and I can see them thinking 'just get on with it' or as some one said today "she does like to put on a performance and keep us all guessing.."

I probably watch too many 'One Born Every Minute' and read too many birth story's on other blogs. I really believed I might be luckier this time and things would progress quicker, you know cos I've popped one out before! I wanted to start labouring and ya know...continue with a trip to the maternity unit. Is that too much to ask?

As I sit and write this I'm a bundle of tiredness and tears. Having spent last night labouring from 2.30am, only for it to tail off at around 7am this morning. I'd go for about an hour of intense contractions coming every 6-8 minutes and then nothing for 20 minutes and a couple of biggies and then nothing, nothing, NOTHING! It's so start stop that I don't know where I am. During the day I've had a few 'reminder' sessions of contractions but that's all. I did similar earlier in the week but the pain is more acute and intense this time.

I don't care about the pain now as it's irrelevant and I realise I deal with it whilst it's there. It's more the excitement and adrenaline, the come down is awful. As I explain to hubby, it's like being invited to the best party in the world, finding the right outfit, spending ages agonising over getting dressed and arriving at what you thought was the start time, only to realise you've got the wrong day or someone won't let you in to the special club.

Also people assume I'm having Braxton's or tightenings like period pain. But these are proper breath through it contractions and no amount of paracetomol is going to take the edge off them. Last pregnancy I did three days of this protracted nonsense and put it down to having a sweep at my 40 week appointment when I wasn't ready to labour. It was mentally gruelling and by the time I got established I felt broken and unsure. 

This time I've had no intervention (today I turned down a sweep because I'm already uncomfortable enough) it seems it's just my body's way of doing things. It's worse now I've got a toddler in tow as well, I just can't give her the attention she needs whilst staying calm and relaxed for my body to do its job. I'm trying not to cry all the time but it's so frustrating.

I know it's getting me to the point I need to be - last time 6cm when I got to hospital. But some women can do that same journey in a couple of hours without all the extra 'will she, won't she' drama. It's difficult being in a state of limbo and although I'm booked in for an induction...that's not until Tuesday now.

I'm dreading night time because that's when it all ramps up. I'm desperately trying to stay calm and focused but it's so messed up that all I want to do is crawl into a ball and feel sorry for myself! When the contractions come I don't want to tell anyone because it's like I'm crying wolf each time!
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