26 May 2014

How it feels - sleep deprivation

My eyes sting and my head feels like its full of cotton wool. I peer at the clock and it seems that the lights blinking are taunting me, it's 2.20am. For a second I can't work out where I am or even who I am, then I can hear the familiar noise. He's crying and squirming in the rocking crib next to me, it's slowly getting louder.

I don't want to move but I'm conscious it's only going to get more urgent and demanding and he could wake his sister next door. Hubby turns over and grumbles next to me, I haul my legs over the side of the bed and cold air hits them. I feel disgruntled that I have to get up and then I feel guilty as hubby does so much already and probably more than most but right now I'd like anyone but me to feel this tired.

As I pick baby up, I can hear him getting ready, he knows it's food time and as I lower the bottle to his mouth I try not to make eye contact. His smell is so familiar now as is the cute little noises he makes but even that can't make my mind wake up. My boy likes to gurgle and try and play at this ungodly hour which I'm trying to stop. I resent having to do this but love my son to the ends of earth. In the dead of night everything is amplified and every minute I'm awake feels like an hour, it takes over an hour and a half to get him to go back to sleep (hubby has to step in and help), I'm exhausted yet it hardly seems worth sleeping now as I'll soon be woken again. I also feel more guilt that hubby had to step in, he has work in the morning and does the feed before me so I can get some sleep yet here I am making him wake to bail me out.

As the light comes through the curtains morning begins, which starts at 5.20am when Bubba wakes, I feel like someone has squirted hairspray into my eyelids. It's like waking from the worst hangover every morning. Hubby deals with bubba and either takes her downstairs or in our bed with my phone to play games on. I pass out again after only going back to bed at 4am - the boy required a full change as he keeps wee'ing through all his layers! 6am I'm roused from a brief slumber by the baby working himself up for another feed, I can hear the toddler downstairs and I just want to crawl deeper under my covers.

People always say the first 6 weeks are the worst, we are on week 5 and it hurts. All I want to do is eat sugar laden food but I also want to get back into the clothes in my cupboard so it's a constant battle. At the moment it feels like this wheel of fortune never stops, I'm lucky, I'm happy and I'm loved, it's all such a blessing yet this spinning never stops. It's always time for another feed, another wind and a change again but never enough sleep. I can't sleep when my babies sleep because they don't sleep at the same time (or when they have it's been in the car whilst I'm driving), I can't switch off that easily any more. It's not even like I'm doing anything else, it's just I've drunk enough coffee to keep me wired for hours.

It's a weary feeling that I can't shrug off, a resigned to my fate type of situation I'm stuck in, never quite knowing if it's going to change or when it's going to change.

I just want some sleep, good sleep, a nights sleep!
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