3 Feb 2015

A moment in time

It's quiet again apart from the snuffling of my baby as he tries to sleep, it wasn't quiet a few minutes ago when he was crying. It hasn't been quiet for the last hour but right now all I can hear is the wind and rain outside.

I strain my ear to make sure I can't hear his sister rustling around next door. I don't think he woke her up this time.

My arm aches and one leg is going numb as I gently rock him and hold him close. His little podgy fingers grip on and then let go of my dressing gown rhythmically as his body is testing out and practising moving.

He starts making those unbelievably cute little whale noises and talking to me. It's what he does when he's relaxed and trying to get to sleep, almost saying "oh this is comfy mummy, I feel sleepy, please carry on holding me".

I've been sat in this chair for over an hour now and it's clear he is struggling tonight. I put him down and he cries out, desperate to sleep but something is stopping him. So I'm cuddling him, he needs me.

This closeness, even at two in the morning, is blissful. I know I won't always be this lucky and although it's hurting my brain being awake, I'm trying to memorise how it feels and relishing that I'm lucky to be his mummy.

I'm told all the time that this won't be forever which floods me with relief and despair. My children will grow up and become people that need me in different ways, no longer will I be able to solve it all with cuddles. But it's exciting to imagine them growing and seeing the world in their own eyes. Will they only call me once a week, once a month or when I call them. I can't bear the thought of not knowing where they are and who with.

I'm suddenly aware that the boys breathing has deepened and he is finally asleep and I am torn between staying and holding him or putting him back in his own cot and potentially waking him again.

The rain has stopped now and I feel more awake than ever as I gently place him in his cot, staying in close contact until he is finally resting. I can feel the warmth of where his head was laying and my arms suddenly feel lost as I head back to my own cold bed.

Now the wait begins to see when I'll be up again to reassure my boy.
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