15 Apr 2015

One Year On...Life with a 4yr old and 1yr old


Today my son turns one, a whole year on this planet, it feels like he has been here forever yet it doesn't seem possible he has been here that long!

I was looking back at posts I wrote around this time last year when I was a huge whale of hormonal tears and contractions. I put that I felt a failure and that my body wasn't doing what I thought it should do...check it out here. In some ways (most ways) I still feel a failure at least twice a week but probably more like twice a day if I'm honest with myself!

One moment I can be flying high thinking I've got this shizzle sorted and I'm super mum, only to come crashing down and feeling inadequate and not knowing what to do in certain situations. Life can be stressful these days and everything is a logistical and organizational nightmare, spontaneity is a real distant memory for me. It doesn't help that I like to be ready for a situation and I've never been good at just winging it and letting go, I worry too much and end up not enjoying anything.

I often question my ability as a mother and say I can't do this to which my hubby replies "but you are doing it and you will continue to do it" but I do find it all hard work. In other ways it's the best of the best, even the bad times are easily forgotten when one of the babies makes you laugh or brightens the day in other ways. I haven't laughed as much as I do with my two and it's such a joyous feeling when all three of us (or four if hubby is home) laugh together about some shared joke. It's then that I feel we are a little team and it's all going to be ok for us.

Sleep is an issue but not in the way I thought it would be, the boy wakes sometimes for his dummy to be put back in or sometimes it takes a bit longer to settle him. The real shocker was that Bubba started waking once or twice a night and so sleep deprivation crept back in and my days are a cloud of wading through things and everything seems to take twice as long to do. We've had three good nights where she hasn't woken and I can't remember the last time this happened (and no doubt tonight she'll be up because I've been smug enough to write it down!).

Lots of things have been easier this time around, the transition to food and off milk about a hundred times a day has been so easy. It was such a natural progression for cub and nothing like it was with Bubba when there was lots of planning, worrying and little pots of weaning food. I'm more easy going with him and I think he is a more easy going baby too for it, nap times are sort of on the go and if he doesn't sleep or goes down later than planned I shrug more. With Bubba I got myself tied up in knots about timings, what would Gina Ford do and the like and was I doing it right.

I love the age gap between my two and I can see them becoming friends (albeit in a squabbling brother and sister way) as they get older. Bubba is really showing her good natured and caring side when it comes to her brother and gives him cuddles or kisses although he still pushes her away if she gets too close. They both squabble a bit over me, if I'm sat on the floor they will both try and clamber on me and take up residence and Bubba handles it better than cub, who will throw a paddy and try and push her off or pull her hair.

I feel loved by both children and sometimes it can be a bit suffocating that they both want to follow me everywhere and both feel they need to be sat on me at all times, I wouldn't have it any other way. Honestly it feels great being so important to them even if I moan about it sometimes, it's mummy all the way for them both and nothing (it seems) beats a mummy cuddle. I'm happy with that.

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