18 May 2015

Motherhood is lonely but life is good (& other ramblings)

Sometimes we have great days filled with friends and family. Other days, once Bubba is at school, the four walls can close in around me and I feel like an imposter in my own life. Especially when I'm tired and emotional after another night of broken sleep.

When my boy is asleep I can feel alone, I crave conversation or just a smile from a stranger to acknowledge that I'm not invisible. Even sometimes when he is awake, there isn't always a connection and it can get boring as he plays with his toys or crawls around taking in the world. Walking down the road, he'll fall asleep in the buggy and I feel cheated and like a spare part, only there to be the hired help. I question myself and my life all the time, wishing the time away, hoping for a change where I don't feel so lonely and useful as only a mother and not as me.

Time seems to be on fast forward and I'm panicked that I'll miss a moment of time and not be able to remember in a few years. I had a health scare a few weeks back and thankfully all is ok but as I sat in a stark hospital corridor in my open at the front (glamorous) gown waiting for tests, I wished for more of the boring, lonely days. It made me realise that my life and those of my loved ones are all very precious and to not miss a minute of them or wish them away, it also gave me the excuse to eat my way through the next week or so with a 'sod it, I'm celebrating' attitude and I'm now paying for that in pounds of weight!

I've decided to document more of our time together by making Youtube videos (you lucky lucky lot!!...ps. I'm still truly awful at it but at least I'm trying hey) and writing down what's going on because if anything happens to me then I want/need my babies to know that I was there for them and we had fun....or not but that we live a rich life punctuated by brilliance amongst the mundane.

So this is a sort of rambling post to let you know that there will be videos up here more and please don't cringe too much at my oversharing.

It's also to remind me that although I get lonely and feel like I have no real purpose, on that day when I thought I might have cancer, I would have given the world for more lonely and drifting days, anything to keep me with my children and living the life I really do want to live.

So seize the day and all that, live a life that is inspiring (to yourself and your loved ones). And just to prove how rubbish I am...here is a lovely video. Who knew I talked like that and do I really look like that?!?

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