22 Jun 2015

Four, Fourty and Beyond

So....I now have myself a four year old and a one year old child. My eldest will be going to school from September and so I will be going back to work on a more full time basis and the cub will spend longer at nursery (or that's the plan so far).

Later in the year I'll be wife to a Forty year old and then next year it'll be my turn at the big 4 0. 

I thought I was ok with these changes but the sands of time are slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate. I don't feel old enough to be here, doing this job and it doesn't feel like I thought it would.

My beautiful little girl is becoming a funny, quick witted mini person. Her brother is turning into an opinionated, simple (in some ways) funny little chap. I'm on the verge of an identity crisis as I come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be having babies. All my adult life I was working (most subconsciously) towards being pregnant and having babies and now I've done that and realise a child isn't just for Christmas but for life, well my life feels a bit topsy turvy. I wanted to be a mother and I'm so grateful and lucky to get that opportunity but what now....it feels a bit of an anti climax knowing that I may never hold another baby of my own and to be truthful I'm not even sure why that's important because for all their loveliness, babies are hard work.

I feel a bit lost thinking what shall I do now, I will help my little people grow and will nurture them but it's not like being needed by a newborn. I'm more of a servant now, the hired help who provides meals, cuddles on demand (but only on demand) and the odd plaster for cuts sustained in the pursuit of playtime.

I've promised myself that I'll get another house rabbit next year (or two, depending on how broody I feel) but that's as far as I'm looking. I'd love to start a small business again or resurrect my old one as I never really got to grips with that, I'd like to continue studying and get my Masters but at the moment I can't quite believe that time will be my friend again. I seem to have no time for myself, my fitness and life in general...once the babies are in bed it feels like it's bedtime for me too.

By the way this isn't a moanfest post, I know I'm lucky and loved and needed, it's more of a 'this is where my brain is at'.

I thought that approaching forty I'd feel like an adult who knew what they were doing but I don't, I still ring my mum quite a few times a week for advice about the kids, what I should do and the like. I thought I'd have grown out of this or at least had an idea what to do but I don't sometimes. I still need guidance regularly which worries me as what happens when I have to make decisions for myself!

I still cry at least once a week (if not more) due to frustration when the kids are scrapping or I just can't cope with it all. I find it hard with two little people needing and wanting different things at different times and some days I literally have to take it hour by hour to get through it.

My hubby doesn't get my angst and hasn't really had the full force of the children on his own for any length of time - I think he has had them both for one day without me. It's such a different experience when there is two of you parenting and I'm sure he thinks I over dramatise how our days turn from being ok to car crash within a few hours and he comes back to a snivelling wreck of a woman where once his wife stood.

Some days can feel like ground-hog day and weekends merge into the week, it isn't a nice relaxing difference for me and I admit I do get the Friday feeling but not like I used to. I'm sure this is the same for any mother of small children (well I hope it is anyway because otherwise I'm doing something wrong).

I feel massive guilt for wanting or spending time doing what I want to do as most of my time is child focused. For instance, I'm writing this after finishing my work accounts and hubby is bathing the children and I feel cheeky for not doing that instead (even though I do that during the week alone).

I can't imagine but equally am whimsical about the future and that there will come a time when I'm not needed the same and no small chubby arms are clutching at me whilst the child attached screeches at me and the other one is trying to climb into the small space left on my lap whilst making me sit in the most awkward position possible.

My little man is at that stage where life is frustrating, he is trying to tell me things and do things that are just a little too grown up for him, he can't work out what his legs are supposed to do and he just wants to get up and run off.

The girl is all for being a grown up and I can see the innocence slowly leaving her brain, she is still cute and cuddly but I'm mostly the annoying mummy who asks for cuddles and kisses a lot.

So where do I go from here, who do I become as the children grow up?

I feel lost inside my life

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