3 Jun 2015

How it feels - when you just need to be held

My arm is aching and I can feel the weight of you slowly sliding down my side. I use both arms to drag you up slightly and then swap you to the other hip.

I'm trying to navigate making dinner and helping you through whatever is troubling you right now. Your dummy falls out and hits the floor and instantly you start to scream again.

My head is pounding as I bend to the floor, trying to balance your weight and my back shoots pain down my spine in protest.

The peas are boiling over and I want to cry as one more thing to clean / deal with  and tidy up is added to my list. I shift you up slightly as I get a clean dummy and the plug is on and you stop crying.

I'm not looking forward to the next bit as I know I'll need to put you down so I can open the oven. The screaming begins as I prise your clinging chubby arms from my shoulder. I know the closeness is all that's keeping you from losing it completely as I glance at the clock. Still, at least, three hours until my shift can partially end when daddy arrives home.

The screaming reaches a crescendo as I try to cut up the fish fingers and shovel them onto plates. I too could curl up into a ball now and cry, I too just want my mummy to cuddle me and tell me it's all going to be ok.

Your rosy cheeks and runny nose tell me that those pesky teeth are hurting again and I wish I could take your pain away but nothing seems to help. So I hold you, my arms and in pain, my hip numb and my shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world. But I hold you.

It's my job, my purpose and my honour.

But it's difficult, life still gets in the way and a toddler still insist on life carrying on as is, so I do everything one handed, as I hold you.

Back in my arms you visibly relax again and use my shoulder as a makeshift tissue and rub your face against me. I carry the meals to the table in relay because it's all one handed. It seems the thought of sitting alone or being parted from me is too traumatic so you sit on my lap, I hold you, I feed you and I mother you.

Small kisses on the top of your soft fluffy blonde hair to remind you of my love as I hold you and clumsily try and feed you cackhandily.

On days like this I cannot get much else done but have to remember holding you is what you need and the least I can give. 

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