8 Jul 2015

I ain't Big but I am a Beautiful Blog

Yep that's right, this space here is beautiful and I too am beautiful.

My blog may not be big on readership, position in charts or stats but it doesn't mean I don't count. It shouldn't mean there isn't a value attached and that I can't value myself. I work hard and I'm trying not to sell my soul on the journey.

This week I've had a couple of knocks and it left me questioning whether I should carry on with this space and if I'm really relevant.

Well the answer is yes I do count and I am going to carry on.

Lately I've had less than perfect blog/PR relations and I hate it because each time I feel a tiny bit worthless afterwards. Only a few weeks ago I was offered (out of the blue) a lovely package - a family day out. Emails were sent back and forth and dates discussed and we started to get excited at this opportunity. On the last email an aside 'oh can you just let me know for reference your unique visitors (new readers to you and me). Happily I pinged it back...then nothing. No correspdence for a week, I politely emailed a week apart asking if it was still going ahead. Someone else emailed back and suddenly the offer changed to the bare minimum. So after discussing with my family, regrettably I declined, I didn't feel I could do the review real justice as a 'family day out'.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the initial approach and anything I'm offered I consider seriously and will only accept if I feel I can give it my all and do it justice. But to dangle a carrot and then whip it away with no explanation hurts and left me wonder what I'd done wrong.

I can't help but think it's my stats that didn't fit the bill. I know it can be a myriad of reasons, things change, I get that it's not in their best interest to dole out things if the reach isn't great enough. They are businesses after all, I totally get it. What I don't get is why it's not upfront and honest, why not ask for a media pack first if stats are the most important bit. I struggle with not being more popular, it's the perfectionist in me, I don't like not doing well. I'm a people pleaser but I fall short and berate myself for it...why can't I grow my blog, be bigger like x,y or z. Comparing myself unfavourably when I don't know the whole history of their situation.

I also got myself bent out of shape over a blog competition. I had no chance of winning as all the other blogs featured had hugely bigger social media numbers than me. It was a popularity contest and again I berated myself for being involved and scared I'd get exposed as the fraud. Would people wonder why I was there etc.... Deep I know! As soon as I saw the line up I concentrated on doing my best, promoting the competition (& hopefully not coming last). But in those few weeks it turned me into a person I didn't like. I lost my self worth, it was the first time I'd really questioned my ability to blog and network. I became obsessed with checking 'my score' and I lost myself in it all. My family couldn't really understand why I was letting it have so much power over me or what mattered so much. Wasn't this meant to be a place that I enjoyed escaping to and I'm doing great as it is.

I found it hard to believe. Which was wrong because in their eyes I'm doing a great job and they love me, I should have trusted that and thanked them. Instead I focused only on the negative and got down about it.

However something wonderful happened this week too. Someone wrote a comment that simply said "Beautiful x" on a blog post. So simple but it was so needed and made me remember why I'm doing this. So if that was you, it really meant the world to me and helped me remember why I write and record my thoughts...

For me. For my family

For memories

Sorry if this post sounds like a moanfest, normal service will resume shortly. I just needed to get it out.

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