26 Apr 2016

No Owners Manual

Before or during deciding to start a family I wasn't aware of being warned at any stage of what was to come. You know like those old adverts explaining a dog was for life and not just for Christmas, when you first visit the doctors to have your pregnancy confirmed there should be a warning. A sort of "this may be fun at times but it's going to get really scary and worrying in equal measure"

The fun times are fun, like chasing bubbles around the garden on a summers day with their giggles drifting off into the sunshine. Or running around and chasing each other for no reason and collapsing in a heap of laughter. Showing your child the wonder of something new for the first time and them being blown totally away by it...and made even better when you get that great snap shot of them looking amazed and sharing it with everyone you know.

But the scary shit is REALLY scary when it happens, such as middle of the night temperatures that you can't get down and you are worrying what's best - do you move them and take them to A&E or sit it out for 10 more minutes? It's such a balancing act and traumatic when faced with it and there is no training that could make you more useful when its your own child. No manual to consult or work out what is normal and what is not.

It's never fun when you've got a toddler being feisty and just screaming at you when you don't know what's wrong, if only I could flick to page 7 of my owners manual and think 'oh yes, his live wire is tiring and he needs to be recharged' but no, I have to ask a series of questions that seem to anger him further and gets us nowhere. The moment I take my eye off the subject in question, the extreme distress seems to pass and I'm left staring vaguely into the middle distance slightly exhausted.

A child is forever and that person, even when fully grown and responsible for themselves, will forever be your child, your baby, the one thing you will always be there to look after. It's a daunting thought and one I don't think I really took on board before I started this adventure. Sounds very naive but I've had so many 'god nobody told me!' moments whilst raising my two and I'm not sure who I thought would tell me but thought at least one person might have!

There are a myriad of books telling you how individuals think you should be raising your child, some from people who haven't even got children of their own!  But there is no definitive guide that you can grab for and read through furiously when your 5yr old suddenly says she hates eating chicken "because of the poor chickens" and then promptly explodes in a mess of tears and snot as you are left wondering what you will feed her from now on (considering chicken was about the only safe go to food).

I've thought the sleepless nights so far have been bad but nothing, I'm assured by my own mum, to the feelings when your teenager goes out to a nightclub or on holiday with their friends for the first time. The worry you feel checking the clock several times wondering how cool you need to act when they finally arrive home - this would probably be found around page 55 of the by now well leafed and curling at the edges manual.

The manual would be interspersed with motivational quotes advising you that "You are the best parent you can be" "No one remembers the f*ck ups...just that they were (& are) loved unconditionally" and it would be these that the bleary eyed new mother or the mother dealing with puking children all night long would read whilst nursing their by now luke warm cup of morning tea and feeling all a bit fuzzy around the edges.

The first day at nursery / school / secondary school and then the biggie...first day at work would all be covered in fine detail; from getting the uniform right and ready and washed in time to remembering their dinner money every day. A whole paragraph (at least) would deal with how to best hide your tears and pretend like its the biggest adventure ever and you are just so thrilled to be waving like a maniac as they round the corner into their classroom before hauling yourself back to a safe haven and mourning this momentous occasion.

Nothing would be glossed over and dealt with sparingly and at no point would there be mention of "it's just a phase" as a fob off for a multitude of strange goings on. I, I'm sure, would be a better mother and less of a ball of worry if I had the Owners manual. My husband would not have such a quizzical look on his face when dealing with the emotions of a small girl and I could fathom out my boys strange ideas of what is fun...like banging your head on things.

So if anyone is in possession of this manual that I speak of...please, please can you find the right page and tell me now how I turn the volume down because mine have their switches well hidden and set on extra loud shouty voice, permanently.....oh and the early bird setting - how can I move that from 5am to a nice calm 7am please?


20 Apr 2016


As a mother it's easy to spend all your time wishing your life away. Wishing the washing pile wasn't so high, wishing that your baby would just take a nap when you needed them to, wishing your toddler didn't have a meltdown in the supermarket, wishing your time was your own again.

Remembering back to pregnancy when your biggest wish was that your baby was born healthy. Then when they got ill and those long nights in the dark wishing they would get better soon. Wishing it was you rather than them suffering as you held them because that's all you could do.

Seeing them go from baby to toddler and wishing they would talk; wouldn't run off; they'd stop having tantrums. Listening to mums and wishing your little one behaved better or more like their kids.

Wishing you'd feel more like yourself, have time for yourself, perhaps wishing to find that vital missing part of yourself. Wishing for a little peace and quiet once in a while.

Then as your toddler turns into an opinionated preschooler, wishing it could all go back to when things were simpler. A time your biggest wish was that you'd get some sleep that night.

As that preschooler starts school and gets influenced by others, wishing that you could get that little bundle of tantrum back. Wishing that they would curl up on your lap and sleep again. Wishing that you were their whole life rather than "but Mrs Jones said that worms don't poo...you're wrong mummy!" Wishing for that long lost silence and a hot cup of tea.

Wishing on a star, throwing a coin in the wishing well, pulling a wishing bone...all these wishes stop you seeing what's in front of you.

Meeting an old lady and hearing that she wished she could have those wonder years back. The best years, the ones that start your family memories off "don't wish it away my dear, it goes far too quickly as it is". The wishes that make you a mother, sets the family unit on its way and propels you all through the adventures.

Wishing you could stop time, bottle the feelings of the best bits. Wishing you will always be able to see, hold and be close to your babies. Wishing them lots and lots of their own wishes and fun and laughter.

Most importantly wishing to never forget all these moments, wishes and wants. 


12 Apr 2016

Almost Two...the second time around

I watch you whilst you fall asleep, I've sat on the floor next to your cot marveling at how you are changing. You still drift off like a baby, all scrunched up with you bottom in the air.

You are still my baby, just. Now you are turning into a little boy, you will be two this week.

I keep feeling emotional, thinking you are my last baby and you are slipping through my fingers. Your hair is growing longer and I still breathe in the soft blonde loveliness when I get the chance. You can now reach up and grab things from a table that was once so far away for you and you do it with ease. Clothes have to be replaced now and we are on to big boy shoes rather than the first walkers, I can't keep up.

Your eyes are blue, bright blue unlike ours which changed to steely blue, as has Bubba's. Those eyes look at me and for me still but it won't be long until like your sister, those eyes will give me that sort of pleading look, a sort of 'can I mum? Can I go off with the others?' and just like I do with your sister, I'll smile and give an encouraging nod. My heart will scream "stop! Stop them growing up, stop them from not needing me and thinking I'm the whole world"

But I can't stop you growing and changing and I wouldn't want to but a little bit of me mourns. Knowing I won't hold another little baby of my own, I will before I know it, wave you off to school with as much nonchalance as I can muster. The days and long nights (when your teeth are playing you up) drag but the years, well they are just whooshing past in a blur.

Two years since I had a stop, start labour and wondered after two weeks of being overdue if you'd ever make an appearance. Then longing to hold you whilst I was in trouble and not being able to hold you as the team of doctors and nurses worked on me. I just wanted my baby...in my arms.

It's still the case, once I've got you snuggled up on my lap or I'm holding you after nursery pick up, I breathe out. All is calm and all is right, regardless of whether you are screaming the house down or annoying your sister.

Words tumble from your mouth now and you are very adventurous. Slightly haphazard at times and will probably be the class clown. You enjoy making us all laugh. As we launch ourselves at the terrible twos I can't help but want to bottle this time and all the naive cuteness that is you. You will be terrible I'm very certain of that but you will also have lots of funny moments and make me proud.

You seem so young but you are growing fast, you love cars and lorries and planes and we spot them where ever we go - your shouts of glee when you see one "Look!...LOOK!" It's such a different experience having a little boy and I'm so grateful that I got the opportunity.

Let's get these Terrible Two's underway shall we....


4 Apr 2016

Being Two....

Being two encapsulates every emotion and sensory experience imaginable and they change in minutes on a daily basis. It's all about new adventures and situations and finding out about the world we live in.

A few of my boys moments....

Oh to be able to switch your emotions so quickly - to be crying as if life was over one moment and then glance up and see a butterfly and in that instant you laugh crazily and want to chase it - all previous heartbreak forgotten.

To get so excited at meeting your sister from school every day and to be so full of excitement every time as if it was the first time.

Trying something new and being so chuffed with yourself that you laugh manically and keep standing on the ball with your hands precariously positioned against a brick wall that could grate your face.

Laughing uncontrollably at the guinea pigs regardless of whether they are doing something or not.

Being so wide awake that you are almost bouncing off the walls to then not being able to stay awake and crying because of tiredness.

Falling asleep in uncomfortable circumstances.

Being brave and running away from mummy at every occasion to running to me and hiding if someone talks to you.

Not wanting the food on your own plate and refusing to touch it but eyeing up the same food on someone else's plate and trying to eat it.

Understanding language and the words "yes you can have some chocolate" but ignoring it when someone says no.

Being warned and told not to do something and then when you are eventually told off you cry and run to mummy for cuddles.

Deciding that you don't want to go in your buggy, you want to walk. Only to decide a few steps further on that you really don't want to walk but still refuse your buggy.

Checking your own toes intently as soon as your socks are removed, just to see if there is any toe fluff.

Pretending anything and everything is a mobile phone and walking around with the TV remote shouting "elloooo"

Climbing on anything, regardless of how precarious it seems and looking shocked when you fall off.

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