20 Jun 2016

Bye Bye Babies - Am I finished being pregnant

I sit leafing through a book of baby names, stopping on those that l like, imagining what that baby would look like. I'm gripped by a deep pressure inside my heart and head, my heart starts to race. I close the book and put my hand on it, remembering sitting in bed with a huge bump and going through names. Testing them out loud and discussing them with hubby to see if we could agree, the feeling of excitement and promise in the air, stroking my bump knowing that soon we'd meet another small person.

This is it, someone is coming to collect this book for their next exciting adventure and with that its the closing of a door on my adventure. Or at least I think it is...my hormones and my head often tell me differently!

Life takes on a very bitter sweet edge when you've decided that more babies aren't in your future. I feel guilty for the relief I feel and just as quickly tears sting my eyes, I'll never carry another human, grow them, deliver them and love them fiercely. My babies are becoming more independent all the time and don't need me like they used to, am I ready to close the door on being needed like that?

My littlest baby is growing fast, he throws tantrums if I try and help him do things, so I let him struggle and find his own way. I usually smile or roll my eyes but I watch him trying his hardest to be a little grown up boy. Sometimes I give in to the nostalgia and remember holding my newborn and feeling that utter devotion, I would do anything to protect them. I let him fall asleep on me and I stay pinned under him just because I know that this will soon be few and far between, soon he will drop that nap and I won't get those types of cuddles anymore.

My two are as thick as thieves most of the time and I'm lucky that my big girl makes sure her brother is looked after and actively involves him in games and at softplay the other day she opted to stay in the small section to look after her brother rather than go off and play with the kids her age. My motto is always 'nobody gets left out' and it's true, if we can't all do it then we don't do it and I think it makes my two think of each other first.

Would I really want to upset that dynamic by adding another sibling into the mix?  Would they all get on just as well or would one of them always feel a little bit left out by the other two. By having a third we would nudge ourselves over the edge for cars and holidays...going bigger to fit every one in. Let alone not having enough rooms in our house to accommodate another small person!

But for me, I now have to work out that being a mother of two will never transpire into being a mother of three, never experience the wiggles in my growing bump, never kiss squidgy little cheeks. No more newborn clothes but it doesn't stop me still testing my hubby and seeing if I could get away with another baby...perhaps I should stick to pets from now on!
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