27 Jun 2016

The Job...I will never resign

No alarm clock needed as a small elbow comes to a sudden rest in my right eye socket. I'm then aware of the niggling pain in my shoulder blade and I pull a small soft toy dog from the spot and rest it on my bedfellows chest.

The wailing begins and I remember 'oh yes, there is an alarm clock' groggily I extract myself from the bed and rub my eyes in a bid to wake myself up as the shouts "out mama, out!" get infinitely louder. Opening the door to the dark room I am greeted by my second employer and he instantly demands to be removed from the room.

We trundle outside to be greeted by employer number one. This one is trickier, as she doesn't seem to trust any move I make and has to accompany me at all times. Even on toilet breaks.

Off we head down stairs and I deposit No.2 on the sofa, I go back and collect No.1 who felt it unfair that she wasn't carried down the stairs. I retrieve her as I'm too tired for the fall out that will be generated in my direction otherwise. I get to work making drinks and catering to various (somewhat obscure) breakfast requests. Politely pointing out to my boss that crisps are not an ideal breakfast and this leads into a discussion on what she wants and that I don't do. I'm told that I am no longer her best friend so I go and make myself a cup of tea before I get myself into more trouble.

We continue with them eating and me referring the proceedings as my bosses both have egos and believe THEY and they alone are my most important priority. It's not worth trying to make myself something to eat because it will be met with either demands to play at the precise moment or I will have to share it with employee no.2 (and by share I mean give it all to him).

I become personal shopper and dresser of the employers and both put up a struggle with what they want to wear and how they then proceed to get dressed. I remind them of the time constraint we are facing and the fact that it is up to me to get us all out of the house on time. I will get in trouble with other establishments due to the fact that employer no.1 decided she needs to go to the toilet at the moment I set the alarm and go to shut the door.

I carry all bags and accompanying paraphernalia at all times and help the employers to get to their next meeting on time and with the correct things. There are no goodbyes - employer no.1 runs off without a backwards glance, just happy to be free of her annoying assistant, employer no.2 is keen to make sure I am aware of how much I am putting him out and so makes sure he doesn't look at me as he is handed over to a lovely lady who will make his second breakfast and lunch today. He refuses to wave or even acknowledge my existence at this point!

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Afternoon duties include: collecting employer no.2 from his happy place where he is right royally looked after. He looks happy to see me before checking himself and making sure I know my place and he requires lifting and carrying out of the room. In the car he continues to deny he is tired and although he has had lunch, he demands crisps, part of my duty is to help him sleep so I drive around usually for at least 20 mins so he can be rocked to sleep despite this making my lunch break even further away. He usually makes sure he wakes up just as I sit down to enjoy some 'me time'.

The afternoon continues at a quiet pace as we await the whirlwind that employer no.1 brings with her at every opportunity. We collect her at the allotted time and it gets all very emotional with shouts that we must visit the sweet shop, I again point out that this will disrupt the next meal time but alas neither employer can hear me as they are now chanting.

Back at our office I prepare dinner and coerce both employers into eating, at times I also spoon food into their mouths. I'm kept on my toes the whole time as both keep getting up, getting distracted, getting in the way of the other, we make it through with time to spare and I am enlisted into playing games that require no skill or mental participation from me but I am required to just sit there and be talked at.

I have to remind both employers when bedtime approaches and that they need to go to bed and recover from their highly stressful day but they are such workaholics that they resist and stifle yawns. I use some bribery to make sure that they both get their nightwear on and listen to a story read by me, I then put one to bed and my colleague who has now returned from his other job puts employer no.2 to bed. Employer no.1 needs me to sit on the stairs until she has fallen asleep (I'm sure this is more so I don't go off and do something mildly more interesting in my spare time without her).

After eating my own dinner, I attend to paperwork generated by the meetings employer no.1 has had during the day, I make sure everything is ready to do this all again tomorrow. I go to bed dreaming of the time I get the day off...when will that be, you ask?

Never........!!!!!
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