17 Jan 2017

When you want another baby....

Walking out of the school playground this morning, I heard another mum telling her mummy friends that she was having another baby in June. They all congratulated her as her toddler ran around her legs, after dropping off her daughter who is the same age as mine and it got me thinking. Why couldn't I have another baby, her two are the same age as my two so if she can manage why can't I? I'm jealous as I want another baby but I don't even think it's the baby I want, I realised that my little boy is going to be going to school nursery in September, my five-year-old will soon be a six-year-old sassy as ever and where does that leave me?

I really don't want sleepless nights -  we get enough of those already, I don't need the extra washing and tidying and mess but I feel lost! It's more the thought of who is going to want to hold my hand, who is going to need me to cuddle them, who is going to coo over my little baby at the shops? No one, the most I get now is raised eyebrows from other mother shoppers and rye smiles and sometimes even the comment "oh I remember that age, tiring but such fun". My boy is at a great age and I love my kids and I love everything they do but they are growing up fast and what do I do once they are grown-up?

My maternal instinct is strong right now and  I just want to cuddle someone little, who needs me. Now I don't feel I'm needed and it's really challenging my identity, obviously I know they do still need me but its changing. Sometimes slowly, for instance I have realised Bubba no longer goes straight to sit on my lap but will sit on her own instead. Cub has started getting himself undressed and dressed again which is really great but leaves me wondering what my on going role is.

I don't think I could have any more children I don't think I can cope and my family doesn't either. They've made this very clear and so it makes me jealous that other mothers do you feel able to have more children and do things, what's wrong with me, why can't I cope and they can? How is their life a better match to increase whereas mine isn't. The worst bit for me is that for years I've wanted my own job and to go out to work, I didn't mind not doing all the school drop offs and pick ups but since bubba got picked on I've wanted to be there all the time. Luckily we've been able to make that happen and my work hours have changed to fit it in but now they don't need me there all the time I feel like I want to be!

I cry now when I think of it but I really don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again, the last time was dicey enough for us and it nearly all went a bit wrong. I guess I need to grieve and then move on, I do want my own life back but it's trying to find out where I fit into that life. These two cuties are probably more than enough for me....

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