30 Aug 2017

Coffee Break - Motherhood; is it supposed to be this hard?

I'm really struggling at the moment being a mum, it's all stress and very little fun right now. I'm not sure if it's this tough for everyone as so many people gloss over it and I don't often find other blogs that really go into it more than "oh he was being a bit of a terror, lol", this to me feels more than just the odd day of not having fun.

I don't feel I have much to laugh out loud about at the moment, from the tantrums in supermarkets, the disaster naps at 4.45pm meaning bedtime of around 9pm, to the back chat of a 6yr old! Honestly sometimes I engage in a war of words with my girl and then look at myself and think 'you sound like you are a petulant 6yr old yourself'...is it only me or is Motherhood supposed to be this hard?

I'm not having fun, daily it's a struggle and I find myself playing the if only game. It makes me cry admitting I do it and I worry the children will read this in future and think I was a terrible mother. But I do...I sit there and think 'if only I could escape for a day' 'if only I could go shopping and really enjoy myself...alone' 'if only they'd leave me alone for a minute!' 'if only I could sit and read my book alone for ten minutes'.

I'd be lost without them I know, when they aren't around it feels wrong but I still crave the head-space. I'm already worried that with my boy starting School Nursery it feels too soon to be giving up the baby days - so as you can see - I'm a total contradiction!

I just googled 'Motherhood is...' and the top results were; hard, lonely, a total B*tch, not a competition, a calling. So I guess I'm not really alone in my angst and according to the Independent it's only going to get harder with parenting tweenagers voted as harder than the terrible twos! Apparently it's all to do with them going through so many changes at that age that the stress for everyone becomes too much. So there isn't really a hope for us as I already liken my girl to a tweenager because she is 6 going on 16 at the moment. So much back chat, honestly I don't think I was that sassy towards my mum and day (although they'll probably tell otherwise).
when no one will look at the camera

The Guardian led with an article this year saying mothers should expect less of themselves and more from their partners. Perhaps that's it, maybe in thinking I should be the perfect mother (and I'm clearly not) that it's leaving me feeling in bits but I don't think Hubby could do more in our family set up. I must admit though that through social media feeds I have been worried that I'm not doing enough with the kids this summer holidays. Other people seem to be having holidays abroad, going on expensive days out and generally smiling loads whereas we end up having a time out, one child either side of me so they don't have a verbal fight and generally someone saying 'you've spoilt my day!' or worse 'you've ruined my life today!!' (that's usually the pre tween to me).

So what do I do about it, other than wishing my life away and crying for a night alone in my own bed without some small child climbing in at some undisclosed hour and then hogging the entire bed? Hubby keeps saying I should go somewhere to reboot myself and come back all smiley but I'm not sure that would be the answer either.

For now I'll keep dreaming of deserted beaches, reading my book and wondering if everyone is finding it this difficult or is it just me...

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